


The AU Sans' but VINE TIME

by MaggicSorceress



Series: Maggic's Undertale Human AU [14]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Basically, Crack, Gen, I was really bored, but the AU sans', this is literally just a giant shitpost, tumblr posts and vines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:21:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22583215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaggicSorceress/pseuds/MaggicSorceress
Summary: I have no excuse for theseits basically all vines and tumblr postsbut with the AU sans'im sorry
Series: Maggic's Undertale Human AU [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1623928
Comments: 13
Kudos: 116





	1. Chapter 1

Error: Why do little kids always scream like they’re re-enacting Jurassic Park?

Fresh: Their emotions are too big for their little bodies yo. They feel just as intensely as we do.

Nightmare: Well, maybe they should get bigger bodies.

Ink: They do. It takes several years.

Nightmare: Several years???? Typical millennial laziness.

~

Template: my ex’s 13-year-old sister invited me to thanksgiving dinner and ya’ll better bet I’m going.

Template:

My dad: there is no way in hell you are going.

Me: If you think anything you say is going to keep me from my ex aunt’s apple pie you are severely mistaken.

Template: **THE PLOT THICKENS!** My ex isn’t even going to be there! They dead-ass replaced him with me.

~

Cross: In 2018 we start oppressing people who like their hot chocolate with water

Dust: If you’re lactose intolerant you can stay but you’re on thin fucking ice

Horror: I eat the powder straight from the pack

Killer: Hey do you know how horrible what you just said was?

~

Nightmare: Country gnomes, take my bones

Dream: To a place they don’t belong

Cross: West Virginia

~

Dream: Music is just wiggling air

Nightmare: Don’t do this. Don’t do this to me today.

Ink: And colour is just wiggling light. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

Template: Artists and musicians are just magicians of the wiggle

Error: An artist’s best quality: their wiggles

~

Pale: You know those lawn mower robots? Vegetarian roombas.

Template: The implication that regular roombas consume meat is frankly kind of terrifying

Pale: A big portion of dust is in fact human skin so regular roombas consume mostly just human skin.

~

Nightmare: I am decayed. My lungs are full of thorns and mildew. My bones are held together by vines. I am fragile. Be gentle with my corpse.

Dream: Get out of bed you’re going to school whether you like it or not.

Nightmare: I _refuse._

~

Ink: Time! To bitch slap! Some inner demons!

Ink: I consider therapy a hands-on process.

Dream: I am always waiting at attention with a broom to beat my intrusive thoughts back into their corner hole.

Blue: Begone THOUGHT!

~

Killer: God nerfed me by making me allergic to garlic and sunlight.

Dust: So, a vampire?

Killer: I can confirm that I am not a vampire as I have blood.

Horror: Is it your blood?

Killer: It is blood, yes.

~

Cross: Hey I’ve never had a nightmare before and I kinda want to know what they’re like, can you help me out?

Nightmare: Sure! See you soon.

Error: This is so fucking powerful it burnt off all my eyebrows.

~

Ink: Template! Get off of the jungle gym!

Template: I see no god here but me.

Ink: T E M P L A T E

Template: *headbutting children off the side of the jungle gym*

Pale: *sniff* he’s perfect.

~

Template: CAN I SAY A BAD WORD!?!

Ink: *dying of laughter*

Template: CAN I SAY A BAD WORD!?!

Ink: *still laughing* yes!

Template: YOU MOTHERFUCKING BITCH!

~

Blue: You know what? I’m about to say it.

Error: Say it.

Blue: I don’t care that you broke your elbow.

~

Template: DON’T FUCK WITH ME! I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME ON MY SIDE! AAAAAAAAAH!

~

Teacher: Um, Killer, could you read number 23 for the class?

Killer: No, I cannot.

Killer: What up? I’m Killer, I’m 19, and I never fucking learned how to read.

~

*Nightmare walking into the bad sans’ apartment*

Everyone: Daddy?

Nightmare: Do I LOOK LIKE-

~

Dust: AAH!

Horror: AH! Stop! I could have dropped my croissant!

~

Error: There is only one thing worst than a rapist. Boom.

Template: A child!

Error: No!

~

Nightmare: Killer, let me see what you have!

Killer: A KNIFE!

Nightmare: NO!

~

*Ink and Error being cute*

Template: What the fuuuck? Is this allowed? What the fuck? Is that allowed?

~

*at the beach*

Template: Happy Birthday Pale!

Pale: I can’t swim.

~

Blue: Mother trucker dude! That hurt like a butt cheek on a stick!

Dream: *completely sarcastic* watch your profanity.

~

Cross, at the bad sans’ apartment: I DON’T GET NO SLEEP ‘CAUSE OF YA’LL! YA’LL NEVER GONNA SLEEP ‘CAUSE OF ME!

~

*Template and Error arguing*

Ink: Can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?


	2. Life is a simulation

Ink, zooming in on Blue and Dream with his phone: Two bros, chilling in a hot tub. Five feet apart cause they’re not gay!

~

Ink: *buys 40 pounds of ice cream*

Error: Aah!

Ink: *unofficially adopts Template*

Error: Aaah!

Ink: *paints the house*

Error: AAAAAAAH!!

~

Horror: Are dey helium balloons?

Killer: Yeh.

Dust: Oh, for fucks sake!

Horror: I told you the car’s not fit for helium balloons!

Dust: It’s too late!

Horror: Ah, we’re flying away.

~

Cross: Hey, I’m lesbian.

Killer: I thought you were American?

~

Nightmare: Hey everybody. So, today my brother pushed me, so I’m starting a Kickstarter to put him down.

Nightmare: The benefits of killing him would be that I would get pushed way less.

~

Reaper: 911, what’s your emergency?

Blue: Somebody at our prom has been killed! Please help!

Reaper: Alright, calm down, we don’t wanna panic at the disco.

~

Error: next time you put your hands on me imma FUCKING rip your face off BITCH!

Fresh: What did I do?

Error: CAUSE YOU FUCKING PUSHED ME NEXT TI-

~

Reaper: So, I’m sitting there. Barbecue sauce on my tities.

Geno: *fucking dies laughing*

~

Error: *does anything*

Ink: wOw

~

Dream: Blue, your speech was so good!

Blue: ohmygoshcauseididntevenliketryitwasjustimprov-

Dream: Oh my god why can’t you just take the freaking complimEEEEEENT!

~

Geno: I saw you hanging out with Error yesterday!

Reaper: Geno, it’s not what you think!

Geno: I won’t hesitate BITCH!

~

Blue: Road work ahead?

Blue: Uh, yeah I sure hope it does!

~

Nightmare: I love you bitch.

Killer: Oh my god!

Nightmare: I ain’t never gonna stop loving you. Bitch.

~

Reaper: Oh, sorry I feel asleep while I was waiting on you to make me a sandwich.

Geno: Go back to sleep and starve.

~

Nightmare: Put that candy back, I’m not buying you all that meth.

Dream: *throws it at him*

Nightmare: Try me bitch.

~

Fire alarm: *goes off in the apartment*

Dust: *does tik tok dances to it*

~

Nightmare and Dream: *having a pillow fight*

Cross: Nightmare don’t! Nightmare! Nightmare watch the light dude!

Dream: *points at the light and nods*

Nightmare: *breaks the light so he can hit Dream*

~

Error: YOU READY TO FUCKING DIE?!

Ink: I’M A BAD BITCH, YOU CAN’T KILL ME!

~

Dream: Welcome to bible study, we’re all children of Jesus!

*cut to Ink snorting cocaine off a desk*

Dream: Kumbaya my lord~!

~

TV: Who’s that Pokémon?

Dust: IT’S PIKACHU!

TV: It’s Clafairy!

Dust: FUUUUUUUU-

~

Shakira: When you fall get up

Horror: Ey! Ey!

Shakira: If you fall get up

Killer: I’m gay!

Shakira: Tsamina mina zangalewa

Nightmare: I have crippling depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what my life has come to.


	3. God is dead and we killed him

Nightmare: How do you know what’s good for me?!

Dream: THAT’S MY OPINOOON!

Everyone: …

~

Error: Hey, how much money do you have?

Ink: Uh, like 69 cents?

Error: Heh, you know what that means!

Ink, through tears: I don’t have enough money for chicken nuggets.

~

Nightmare: Dream, I’m sick. I can’t go to school.

Dream: Oh no! What’s wrong?

Nightmare: I’m sick.

Nightmare: Sick of all these ratched ass hoes!

~

Reaper: If you don’t feel like talking to somebody, do what I do and just make a random animal sound.

Reaper: *squawks obnoxiously*

Reaper: Okay bai!

~

Ink: Oh, I just can’t wait to beat yo ass~! That’s right bitch~! I’m coming~!

~

Error: He doesn’t deserve you! If he doesn’t treat you right by now, you’re gone!

Geno: I’m gone!

Error: Now go chop his dick off!

~

Nightmare: What did you do?!

Killer: I shaved my eyebrows!

Nightmare: Why did you do that?!

Killer: I don’t know!

~

Blue: So, like, I’m an omnivore because I eat plants and meat.

Ink: Oh, then what am I?

Dream: Ink, you only eat dick and I’m pretty sure that makes you a slut.

~

Fresh: I’m ‘bout to sing a song, yo!

Error: *smacking him in the face with a pillow so hard he falls over*

Error: MOVE BITCH! GET OUT THE WAY!

~

Template: Pale look! It’s the good kush!

Pale: This is the dollar store; how good can it be?

~

Killer: *alone in the apartment*

Killer: It is Wednesday my dudes.

Killer, in a shitty Harley Quinn costume: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

~

Geno: We all die, you either kill yourself or get killed.

Geno: Whatchu gonna do.

~

Geno: Hey babe. Happy 1 year.

Reaper:…I’m 27.

~

Ink: I want a church girl that go to church~

Ink: AnD rEaD hEr BiBlE!

~

Template: I want a jewish girl that go to…temple~

Template: AnD rEaD hEr ToRaH!

~

Error: This bitch called me ugly, I said ‘bitch where?’

Error: She said under all that makeup, I said

Error: BITCH WHERE?

~

Nightmare: Is there anything better than pussy?

Nightmare: Yes, a really good book!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm in hell.


	4. I don't even know man

Killer: Whatchu say?

Horror: I said whoever threw that paper, your mom’s a hoe.

~

Fresh: *shoots a gun in the living room*

Error, jumping and falling off the couch: THIS IS WHY MOM DOESN’T **FUCKING** LOVE YOU! 

~

Ink: Have you ever heard the sound of a rubber ball breaking a window?

Dream: *stares in horror*

Blue: nuh-uh

Ink: WoUlD yOu LiKe To?

~

Geno: Hey Reaper.

Reaper: ‘Sup bitch?

Geno: heh, stop~

Reaper: Bitch

Geno: Ah~

~

Dream: And release all of those sounds that are trapped in your mind.

Nightmare: *DeMoNiC sCrEeChInG*

~

Blue: Inside your body is PITCH BLACK your cells do all of that in the DARK

Ink: Self care is swallowing lit matches every 5 minutes so that your cells can see whatever shit they’re doing in there

~

Error: I’m still pissed off that birds get to spend their days flying about and cats get to sleep for 16 hours a day and I’m stuck dealing with capitalism and expectations.

~

Killer: You call it “really bad at darts”, I call it freestyle acupuncture.

Dust: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to leave the bar.

~

Dream: I love my mother dearly but ability-wise she frightens me because not only can she find 20 four leaf clovers within the span of like 2 minutes, everywhere, she can also write her name with both hands on a dry erase board or whatever at the exact same time and have both be a mirror image of one another

Nightmare: To add to this: I was making breakfast this morning and I hear “hey Nightmare! Look who came to say hello!” and, expecting like, a moth or a frog or something of that nature, I turn and she’s holding a snake

Cross: Yer ma’s a witch. Be nice to her.

~

Error: My little sister is a really pretty girl and she gets dick pics all the time from annoying boys, so being the girl she is, she started using them as blackmail. She now has about 30 boys doing her bidding because one stepped out of line and she got someone to print out 500 copies of the photo and mailed it to his family. My sister is 16 and she’s running a black mail Mafia. She’s going places.

~

Nightmare: In class I’m used to sitting in the back and making all these smartass comments under my breath. Now I’m in the front though, so when our attractive instructor drops something and says ‘ah, fuck me!’ and I say ‘maybe later’ he hEARS ME AND LAUGHS GODFUCKING FUCK!

Nightmare: The saga continues, today in physics when our instructor asks ‘and how fast does light travel?’ and I whisper ‘hella’ the kid next to me fucking loses it.

~

Error: swear words are illegal now. If you say one you’ll be fined.

Killer: Heck.

Error: You’re on thin fucking ice.

Error: oh no

~

Ink: Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!

Dream: but I’m vegan

Ink: Wakey wakey vegetables and sadness!

~

Reaper: 9 hours of studying and I can’t remember my own name, but I can remember how to kill a man using a toothbrush so there’s that

Geno: the hell kind of classes are you taking?

Reaper: I’m a forensic criminologist our slogan is “can’t run fast enough to be a serial killer so I’ll just help the police catch them”

~

Nightmare: my brain is fired

Nightmare: I mean fried

Nightmare: y’know what my brain is fired too. Collect your things, I’ve had it with your shit

~

Reaper: you know that according to Schrödinger, anything you put in a box is both dead AND alive.

Everyone at the funeral: *nervously stares at coffin*

Ink: Schrödinger would have _hated_ this interpretation of his work and I am HERE for it

Dust: He might be rolling over in his grave…

Dust: Or not.

~

Dream: What is the difference between falling in love and having a crush?

Error: if they get a haircut and they’re ugly it’s a crush

Blue: That’s a weirdly valid point

Ink: lmfao

~

Horror: you are now one day closer to eating your next plate of nachos

Dust: This is the most hopeful thing I’ve ever read

Nightmare: what if I die tomorrow and never eat any nachos

Cross: then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

Nightmare: …get out

~

Blue: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship and this gun I found

Error: maybe the real treasure was this gun I found along the way

~

Dream: Remember to drink water babes

Ink: No

Dream: Then become the dirt I walk on

~

Error: There is carnival music faintly playing somewhere in my house. I’ve walked through the whole place and can’t find a source. It isn’t louder in one spot. It is just evenly, eerily faint. Carnival. Music. Everywhere.

Error: Hey guys like 8 years after this post was made, I have learned that I have experienced auditory hallucinations for the majority of my life.

~

Nightmare: *carries cat out of room for being naughty*

Cat: *purrs*

Nightmare: you are being punished. Please do not purr. I love you.

~

Geno: when I woke up this morning, my first thought was ‘no one visits my gave anymore’ and I was really sad for a few minutes so I lay on my bed with my eyes shut and then all of a sudden I opened my eyes and was like ‘wait I don’t have a grave what the fuck’

Error: are you okay?

Geno: Am I Ever?

~

Horror: Y’all can keep at it with that “Romeo and Juliet fell in love in five days how immature” shiz but Macbeth went from no murder to yes murder in like one afternoon and I feel like one of those is a significantly bigger problem than the other

Nightmare: In his defence his wife triple dog dared him and called him a pussy

~

Nightmare: I started high school 7 years ago Jesus

Error: u done yet?

Nightmare: I’m trapped in one of the lockers

~

Geno: fun fact: the word ‘panic’ is actually from the Greek word ‘panikos’ which is referring to the Greek god pan who apparently shout at people who were alone in the woods and freak them out.

Error: Career goals

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing and life is an illusion.  
> -Maggic


End file.
